I remember you the way you are
I’ve forgotten you the way you were.
Where do you linger, now?
Shattered ‘gainst a splintered spine;
Beneath a caged and callous line;
Behind the sigh of a burning page;
Trapping time on a paper stage?
I dreamed of you, dear Baskerville,
Atop that grey and fettered hill -
Does Father rest beside you still?
I thought I knew;
I never will.
This is the way it was and is -
The way it never was, but is
Where do you linger, now?
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Author's Comments
Edit 2. In a word: Urgh. Help.
Inspired by the blank page at the end of a good book. Comments
 For a piece of this length, the amount of character development that you have (or perhaps just the way that it's presented) is overwhelming and, for me, at least, takes away from the point that you're trying to convey. I'm not sure if this ends with a resolution or not, either.
Though I do love this: Behind the sigh of a burning page; Trapping time on a paper stage? That's an excellent image, mirroring page and paper off of each other reads wonderfully. Submit more! Thank you
 I agree about the character development - this was supposed to be considerably longer, but I ran out of mindgas. Having a bit of a problem keeping my ideas seperated...I'll give this one another crack soon. -- This is not my universe. But it could be worse.  Can I just say, it was a delicious read. I loved the rhythm of the rhyming lines, the use of alliteration to pull it off, and the solemn, questioning feel of it. I was about to say something about this reminding me of Poe, except, everyone whips out Poe when they wanna say they like a style
 Now, as far as critique, I'd say the last strophe was the only one that really didn't work for me at all - there is a strong shift in tone and rhythm there that pulls me up and snaps me out of the poem. Perhaps another kind of stanza or a different structure to it could end the poem more strongly? I would never take offence to reminding someone of Poe, he's always my main influence.
I agree about the last strophe. It was the initial sparking point for the rest of the poem, but I think now it's done it's work, it could do with changing or discarding. Thank you very much for the comment, always a pleasure to read a thoughtful one -- This is not my universe. But it could be worse. I LIKE IT A LOT BETTER NOW
THANKS
-- This is not my universe. But it could be worse. |
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